*said begrudgingly* calm your tits, it’s satire
In a bold new legal precedent, Americans have decided that “free speech” now exclusively refers to speech that affirms their pre-existing beliefs and/or has good vibes.
The ruling comes after a historic week for selective outrage, as America watched:
Charlie Kirk get murdered on stage for saying words.
Jimmy Kimmel get fired for saying different words—ones that weren’t true—but they felt correct, emotionally, to some people on the internet.
The internet immediately declare Kimmel the real victim.
Charlie’s actual death?
Tragic, yes—but unfortunately, it didn’t test well with focus groups.
Meanwhile, Kimmel getting benched has been called “an attack on comedy,” “a death knell for Democracy,” and “worse than January 6.”
Experts agree this is a landmark moment in the fight for “selective constitutionalism,” a movement that seeks to apply the First Amendment with the same rigor as a partisan ethics panel: selectively enforced, emotionally reactive, and entirely dependent on who’s holding the mic.
“This is a tragedy,” said one commenter, tears welling in her eyes. “Jimmy Kimmel being taken off air is the biggest blow to comedy since Trevor Noah left The Daily Show.”
Sources confirm that Kimmel’s joke—suggesting the murderer was a MAGA Republican—wasn’t technically true, but it felt true. Which is the new gold standard for televised truth.
“We don’t need facts anymore,” said a senior producer at ABC, speaking out against the firing. “We need narratives with punchlines. If those narratives accidentally defame an entire political movement during an active murder investigation, that’s just comedy, baby!”
Others agreed that while no one has watched Jimmy Kimmel willingly in years, the idea of Jimmy Kimmel represented something precious: The right to say smug, wrong things with full network support and no interruption.
When asked whether the joke was possibly in poor taste, the producer responded, “Free speech means never having to say you’re sorry.”
One protester outside ABC headquarters held a sign that read: “First they came for the millionaires who read monologues… and I said nothing.”
A nation weeps and mourns… the millionaire talk show host
Despite Charlie Kirk’s murder being an actual, literal violation of free speech—complete with bullets, blood, and a dead body—public reaction was celebratory. Large swaths of the internet responded with memes, justifications, and thinkpieces explaining why he had it coming.
“Charlie had bad vibes,” said one anonymous TikTok influencer. “You can’t just say things and expect to live. That’s not how democracy works.”
But the firing of Jimmy Kimmel has sparked national outrage, with hashtags like #IStandWithJimmy and #LateNightLivesMatter trending within hours.
When asked to clarify why the firing of a talk show host constituted a greater crisis than the targeted assassination of a political commentator, one user replied, “Charlie was asking for it. Jimmy was just joking about the guy who asked for it. Big, big difference.”
Super handy free speech guide:
Experts warn: we’re down to 4 acceptable jokes
Researchers at the Satirical Institute for Cultural Hypocrisy have confirmed that America is now operating with a grand total of four legally safe jokes:
Billionaires are bad
Republicans are racist and/or fascist
Corporations are evil unless they sponsor Pride
Men are stupid (unless they say they’re women, in which case, they’re brave)
Any deviation from this joke palette will result in public flogging or worse—removal from the Discover tab.
Everything’s actually fine if you think about it
Charlie Kirk’s murder was unfortunate, but let’s not get carried away. It’s not like he lost an advertising deal or something.
And Jimmy Kimmel will be fine. He might even get a podcast. Or a Netflix special called “The Last Joke: How I Survived the Death of Comedy.”
But let’s be clear: Free speech is alive and well.
As long as you say the right thing.
To the right people.
At the right time.
On the right platform.
In the right tone.
For the right audience.
With the right narrative.
At the right emotional temperature.
Sponsored by the right pharmaceutical company.
Otherwise… what are you, some kind of fascist?
Couldn’t resist this additional context via
There is a long tradition going back to Jimmy the Greek (1988) and even before for media personalities to get the sack for saying "offensive" stuff or making fabricated claims. So Kimmel's case is nothing new.
The only reason it raises any First Amendment concern at all is that it might have happened in response to pressure from the FCC. Which is frustrating as hell if you believe in both free speech (government stays out) and free association (private orgs can hire/fire whoever they wish). Public shaming to get those who celebrate murder fired was working just fine up until then.
breaking news:
ST had a silly goose time making fun of the yahoos living in her comments section.
also breaking:
it's officially silly goose time.