builders vs. dismantlers

rethinking my relationship with feminism

Lately, I've found myself at a crossroads, grappling with feelings of disconnect from the very movement I once felt deeply aligned with: feminism. This introspection was sparked by a simple yet revealing thought experiment: identifying women who inspire me.

In a landscape where the narratives of gender dynamics are as complex as they are contentious, I find myself pondering a striking observation: men, in many of the stories that have shaped my understanding of achievement, appear as builders, while the prevailing feminist discourse often positions women as dismantlers. This dichotomy, of construction versus deconstruction, has led me to a profound personal and ideological crossroads with feminism—a movement I have long identified with but now find myself questioning in the context of this builders-dismantlers paradigm.

The moment of clarity came unexpectedly, through a simple exercise meant to identify female figures of inspiration. Instead, it was men like Daryl Morey, known for revolutionizing basketball not by tearing down existing frameworks but by innovatively building upon them, who consistently came to mind. Morey's legacy, along with others, is characterized by a constructive ingenuity—a drive to create and transform that resonates deeply with me.

This reflection is not to suggest a lack of innovative or constructive women nor to overlook the critical work of dismantling unjust systems. However, my personal resonance with the concept of building—of adding, creating, and innovating—has often found its exemplars in male figures, leaving me to wonder about the spaces and narratives for women as builders in both the feminist movement and society at large.

The following essay was born from a desire to reconcile these observations with my feminist ideals, to probe deeper into why my inspirations often skew male and to question the broader implications of a movement that seems at times more focused on dismantling than on constructing. It is a journey through my grappling with these complex dynamics, seeking a feminism that not only breaks down barriers but also actively participates in building the new. It's an exploration that digs into not just the feminist movement's evolution but also into my journey within it—a journey marked by profound respect for what feminism stands for but troubled by the ways in which I've felt unseen and unheard within its current iterations.

This is not a critique aimed at diminishing the vital work of dismantling oppressive structures but rather an invitation to consider the balance—and perhaps the necessity—of construction in our pursuit of gender equality. It is a call for a broader recognition of the ways in which we can all contribute to a more equitable society, not just by identifying what must be torn down, but also by envisioning and building what comes next.

In the mosaic of my life, where each tile represents a lesson learned, a battle fought, or a moment of inspiration, I've found myself drawing overwhelmingly from a palette dominated by male hues. This isn't a statement made lightly, nor is it an attempt to diminish the vibrancy women add to the world. It's an admission of where I've found resonance and guidance in a society that often feels like it's navigating a storm without a compass.

The likes of Bob Iger, Elon Musk, and Steve Jobs have not just been luminaries lighting the path but also architects of the bridges I've crossed in my personal and professional development.

This realization doesn't stem from an inherent belief in the superiority of one gender's mentorship over the other; rather, it's born from personal encounters and observations. It's an uncomfortable truth, but my journey has been marked by a paradoxical mix of empowerment and undercutting from my own gender. The solidarity expected among women, in my experience, has sometimes felt more like a battleground of comparison and competition, rather than a supportive sisterhood. The exception, of course, is when brilliance is so undeniable, as in the cases of Taylor Swift and J.K. Rowling, whose empires and convictions stand as testaments to what women can achieve against the odds.

Taylor Swift's strategic mastery over her music and public image, and J.K. Rowling's staunch defense of her views, even in the face of immense controversy, showcase a formidable blend of talent, resilience, and principle. Their stories are not just footnotes in their industries but headline-making chapters that redefine what success looks like. They've navigated the labyrinth of fame and criticism with a grace that commands respect, making it clear that my issue isn't with female role models per se, but with the broader dynamics at play within female interactions.

It's a delicate subject, fraught with the potential for misinterpretation. To criticize the very fabric of female camaraderie is to tread on thin ice, risking the wrath of a society quick to label and slower to understand. Yet, silence benefits no one, and my observations are not indictments but calls for introspection and, hopefully, evolution. The directness and "get shit done" mentality often attributed to male communication and collaboration have, in my experience, offered a clarity and efficiency that's less prevalent in female circles, where indirectness and competition sometimes cloud intentions and actions.

This isn't to say that men are without fault or that women are inherently incapable of effective, supportive relationships. Far from it. The issue lies in the societal and cultural constructs that shape our interactions, creating environments that often pit women against each other in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. It's in these constructs that the potential for empowering female relationships is undermined, leaving many, including myself, to seek guidance and inspiration from those outside these dynamics.

The controversy surrounding figures like J.K. Rowling, particularly her stance on transgender issues, exemplifies the tightrope of modern discourse, where complexity is often flattened into binary oppositions. My admiration for her courage and her literary genius does not equate to an endorsement of all her views, yet even mentioning her name can be contentious. This fear of controversy, of engaging with complex figures and ideas, mirrors the broader problem: a reluctance to embrace the multifaceted nature of individuals and ideologies.

My academic journey, specifically within the realm of women's studies, was illuminated by the ambition to understand the underpinnings of gender dynamics and to contribute meaningfully to the discourse around feminism. Armed with enthusiasm and a belief in the power of education to foster change, I dove into courses that promised to unravel the complexities of societal structures. Yet, as I progressed, an unsettling pattern emerged: a significant portion of the curriculum seemed less focused on understanding systemic issues in their multifaceted reality and more intent on dismantling the contributions of men, posited almost as adversaries rather than partners in progress.

This emphasis on "dismantling" rather than "building" struck a discordant note with my core beliefs. The narratives often portrayed men in broad strokes as architects of oppression, inadvertently glossing over the nuances of individuality, intention, and contribution. Such generalizations felt not only reductive but also alienating, failing to resonate with my lived experiences. The men I've admired and looked up to—be they in the realms of business, technology, entertainment, or sports—have exemplified the ethos of builders, innovators, and visionaries. They've constructed empires, revolutionized industries, and, in doing so, offered blueprints for transcending limitations, not by tearing down but by relentlessly creating.

Living authentically, for me, means recognizing and honoring these contributions, acknowledging that the impulse to build and innovate transcends gender. The irony of my educational journey lay in the realization that in the fervor to elevate women, there was a parallel narrative that risked undermining the very essence of collaboration and mutual respect that is vital for societal advancement. This isn't to say that criticisms of patriarchal structures are unfounded, but rather that the approach of dismantling as an end unto itself feels counterproductive. True feminism, in my view, should foster an environment where every individual, regardless of gender, is encouraged to build, create, and contribute towards a more equitable society.

The prevailing rhetoric within certain feminist circles, with its focus on the vilification of the "patriarchy," often skirts around the harder task of envisioning and working towards a constructive alternative. Critiquing is crucial, yes, but without the subsequent step of rebuilding, we risk finding ourselves in a perpetual cycle of opposition without progression. It's a nuanced battleground, where the definition of feminism itself seems to be at stake, caught between the imperative to challenge systemic injustices and the necessity to champion a vision of inclusivity that celebrates contributions across the gender spectrum.

In my pursuit of living authentically, I find myself grappling with the label of "feminist" in a world where that term is increasingly polarized, often wielded more as a weapon than as a bridge. The feminists I align with are those who recognize the complexity of issues, and who see men not as the enemy but as allies in the construction of a better world. They are the ones who understand that empowerment doesn't necessitate the diminishment of others but thrives in the celebration of collective achievements and shared progress.

The men I admire, the ones who are builders at their core, embody qualities that transcend the simplistic narratives of oppressor versus oppressed. Their achievements inspire not because of their gender but because of their humanity, their determination, and their ability to envision and realize change. In this light, the concept of "dismantling" feels not only reductive but fundamentally misaligned with the broader goals of human progress and equality.

This divergence from traditional feminist discourse doesn't diminish the value of my education in women's studies but rather highlights the importance of continuing to question, to learn, and to evolve. Feminism, at its best, should be a beacon for inclusive progress, a movement that acknowledges the past and its pains while steadfastly working towards a future where everyone has the space to build, create, and thrive.

Furthermore, amidst the fervor to redefine feminism and champion women's rights, there's a trend that, while well-intentioned, often feels like child's play rather than the substantive change many of us yearn for. The proliferation of "girl boss" paraphernalia and "SHE-E-O" nameplates, while aesthetically pleasing and empowering on the surface, sometimes skirts the edge of trivializing the very essence of female empowerment. These symbols, much like the "live laugh love" ethos, can feel like they're reducing the complexity of feminism to catchy slogans and sparkly aesthetics, overshadowing the profound systemic shifts we're advocating for.

This is not to deride the appeal or importance of fostering a sense of community and identity among women. Aesthetics and slogans can be powerful in uniting and motivating. However, when they become the predominant face of a movement, there's a risk of diluting the urgency and depth of the issues at hand. The critical battles—over reproductive rights, equal pay, and systemic discrimination—demand more than just surface-level engagement. They require deep, systemic solutions and the kind of innovative thinking that transcends traditional paradigms.

It's frustrating to witness the persistence of gender inequalities, such as the expectation for women to prioritize childcare over their careers—a stark reminder of the systemic barriers still in place. Yet, there's a part of this discourse that feels like a loop, a repetition of grievances without the propulsion towards tangible change. It's as if we're caught in a narrative vortex, recounting past injustices without adequately focusing on constructing new narratives or solutions. This cycle of lamentation without action can be disheartening, feeding into a sense of stagnation rather than mobilization.

However, the horizon of technological advancement, particularly the advent of AI and the potential of AGI (Artificial General Intelligence), presents an unprecedented opportunity for reshaping the narrative. This isn't about dominating a new field for the sake of representation but about genuinely engaging with and contributing to the development of technologies that could redefine the fabric of society. The field of AI offers a fresh, uncharted territory where women can not only participate but lead and shape the conversation. By diving into these waters, women have the chance to be architects of the future, leveraging AI to address longstanding societal challenges and to create new pathways for empowerment and equality.

This approach—engaging constructively with emerging technologies—epitomizes the shift from pointing fingers to planting flags, from being critics on the sidelines to being creators in the field. It embodies a proactive stance, aligning with the builder mentality that I've always admired, irrespective of gender. It's a call to move beyond inherited systems and the binary constraints of the patriarchy, not through dismantlement but through creation, innovation, and leadership.

Indeed, we were all born into pre-existing systems, laden with histories and structures we had no hand in creating. Yet, this recognition shouldn't be a source of resignation but a call to action. Our inherited systems are not immutable; they are as changeable as they are challenging. As we stand on the precipice of a technological paradigm shift, the question isn't whether we can escape the legacy of the patriarchy but how we can build upon and beyond it, utilizing tools like AI to forge a future that reflects our values, aspirations, and collective will for a more equitable world.

The narrative of feminism, then, must evolve from one of dismantling to one of building—from critique to creation. It's time to channel our energies not into recounting the ways we've been wronged but into crafting the ways we will right those wrongs, leveraging every tool at our disposal, including the revolutionary potential of AI. By embracing this paradigm, we not only contribute to the technological landscape but also redefine what empowerment looks like in the 21st century, moving from slogans to solutions, from symbols to systemic change.

This empathy I feel towards men doesn't diminish the value or the necessity of female empowerment; instead, it highlights a personal journey of resonance that transcends traditional gender expectations. Men, in my experience, embody a directness in communication, a pragmatism in problem-solving, and a builder's mentality that deeply appeals to me. These traits, while not exclusive to any one gender, have been pivotal in shaping my worldview and influencing my choice of role models.

The question then arises: How can we reconcile this personal resonance with male role models with the broader goals of gender equality and empowerment? The answer lies in the recognition that empathy, inspiration, and role modeling are inherently personal experiences, shaped by individual journeys and interactions. My empathy towards men and my admiration for their way of navigating the world does not stem from a place of gender bias but from a genuine appreciation for the qualities I've seen them exemplify.

In this light, the empathy I feel towards men and my tendency to lean towards male role models are not contradictions of my feminist beliefs but reflections of a complex and holistic approach to understanding human qualities and achievements. It's an acknowledgment that the journey towards equality and empowerment is enriched by a diversity of voices and experiences, including those that find resonance across gender lines.

In the end, the question of role models transcends gender. My reflection on the predominance of male figures in my pantheon of inspiration is not an indictment of womanhood but a commentary on the societal structures that shape our perceptions and relationships.

Perhaps the way forward is not in drawing lines between genders but in blurring them, recognizing that inspiration is a mosaic where every tile has its place, regardless of its color. In acknowledging the flaws and strengths of both male and female dynamics, we can begin to construct a more inclusive, supportive framework for mentorship and inspiration, one where the achievements of Taylor Swift and the convictions of J.K. Rowling are not exceptions but expectations.